Homesick

I was sick of home. I grew up wanting to be far away and see the other side of the world. I don't think I grew up bitterly, I was bored. Was this all to life? Nothing else? I kept asking myself.

The first opportunity given to me was a scholarship to study abroad. I took it happily. I wasn't missing home. I didn't want to settle. I didn't want to make a return. London offered a different view of the world. New people, new world. They teach me to see that the world is far and beyond the horizon, you can go anywhere. I adore their global spirits - grow up in England, studied in America, family in Germany, boy in France, planning to settle down in Australia. I was inspired, I could live anywhere.

I did return home briefly, but I felt like those return were just detoxification and an affirmation that I don't want to be at home. It's like dumping place. At the end of the holiday I always tell myself, leave everything behind, whatever happened in Malaysia stays in Malaysia. My world is out there.

My second opportunity arrive in a form of job offer. I have been very lucky, aren't I? But life is not getting any easier. I feel isolated and too far from all human touch. People are too foreign. I miss the familiarity of certain culture and human behaviour. I miss being surrounded by people who I can share similar lifestyle with.

Universe is telling me something. I decided to make a quick return to explore my decisions again. 10 days holiday at home, with friends and family. We talked and laughed. We gathered like we never did before. Everyone is done with school and work and everyone is settling down. There had been numerous family and school reunions that I'd missed. And all those feelings I was trying to runaway from finally explaining itself.

I am not trying to run away anymore. When I made my departure, I left with different kind of sadness. It wasn't any longer because home and whatever there is frustrates me, it is because I am leaving it all behind and I am going to miss it and I don't know when I will make another return.

I am homesick now. I want the sweetness and bitterness of being home. I am now longing for the day to make my final return.