Fear of tear

We tend to forget dreams we dreamt at night. We either remember bits of it, scattered in order and if we don't hold on tight to it, they are gone in minutes. You're excited to share the dream with somebody, you remember the good or bad feelings that come with the dream but all that comes out of your memory are illogical orders of 3 seconds snippets of the dream. Alas, you decide the dream does not matter.

I had a very gory dream about a woman giving birth a few nights before. I thought it has been erased completely from my chain of thoughts. Coincidentally, I am starting with O&G lectures, and will soon be observing deliveries at the beginning of the new year. Today, we were introduced the basics of O&G. That lecture together in unison with the lecture on pelvic floor dysfunction, brought back the images from that gory dream. Not snippets, but the whole scene of the dream flowed smoothly and might had put me into absence epilepsy.

The struggle, the sweat, the blood, instruments, baby out and the poor woman being ignored, then me not knowing what to do with the perineal tear, that really huge tear that I don't think could ever happen in reality.

I despise the idea of watching birth, it's scary. Even the thought of it. Why would I want to watch it? So this dream does matter. Fear catapulting, encouraging, it says "You've seen it once, worst. You could see more and this time, braver."

PS: beat that Monday blues