so many things had happened in between this post and the last, i think i better keep the detail to myself. now, im just going to summarise it.

basically, it is all falling into it's places, not in the way that people would have expected it to be, things are in its places, separately.

looking back to the past 6-7 months, it has been an emotional ride. in a hindsight, now i know what it means by wanting something so much, expecting a 50:50 results and finally getting to the end of it with what i have half expected.

now i can fully describe the process of hurting, because it happened right before me and i manage to record every single detail of it in my memory. well, this experience hurt, but not as much, because i half expected it.

with less expectation, i can easily tell myself "life goes on" and it wasnt that  hard. mourning take less time, moving on was smoother

now i get to go on living and carry around the wisdom "some people are only lessons in life." because i have that experience.

now i have lots of story to tell :)

just waiting to be found

just like breathing is vital,
heartbreak is inevitable.

it's only for fun,
the mind games that people play.

Being abroad

I didn't thought after taking that flight in late September 2009 would now lead me here. I thought I would be like any other overseas students - study abroad, travel, graduate, go home, life return to normal.

After a couple of months of homesickness (and a few circumstances and encounters with different people), I became adamant to stay away as long as I could. The thought that life will just return to normal after this excitement was unappetising. Thus the reason I ended up here on Isle of Man. 

It has been 5 years, 2 months and a few days since that long haul flight. It's time to reflect what these years of experience have taught me. 

1. Independence. I was in London for 5 amazing years. I was independent in terms of finance, decision making, commuting, socialising, hobbies etc. In London, I could be whoever I want, no one will judge me, no one will stare at me for doing things differently. It's metropolitan where bizarre ideas are well accepted, I dress however I liked, I wore hijab (tho unfortunately not the case anymore) in any style that I liked, I explore different societies, joined different activities, scavenge for more interest that I could take up. Every time I went back to Malaysia for summer break, I realised this independence is something that I truly enjoyed.

2. Financially aware. I was given only a limited amount of money every month as part of the scholarship agreement. Sometimes I do get extra if I managed to get any hospital placements outside of London during the clinical years. I become an addict at planning my money, predicting how much I could save and spend in a month, become obsessed at saving up for that weekend getaway, I planned on how I could save more or earn more including applied for all 3 outside placements (thats like 18 months away from London), rented out to a cheap house in Zone 3 of East London (which is infested with ice and interesting housemates), and being almost nomad, just 3 months prior to final. It was risky but I needed the money. 18 weeks equal to £1800. Enough for my East Coast America trip post MBBS final. It was crazy, but I managed. I am proud. Now I am earning from working as a foundation doctor, I have to think of taxes, return, pensions, insurance etc. When I have no one in the family who has gone through the system, I can only hope on myself to take the initiative and ask around. 

3. Bravery. Being far from comfort zone is scary. I have almost no one I could ask for opinion. What to do if my laptop is frozen, my phone is missing, if I missed my flight, I had to deal most of the situation on my own or with a few other friends. I had been on a trip alone, encountered weird strangers, and made stupid social decisions. But by dealing it myself I learn to overcome fear and I know where to look for help like a speed dial. 

4. Make big life changing decisions. To stay or not to stay. To apply or not to apply. To proceed or not to proceed with the application. Finally I made the decision to be out of London for foundation training. I know the risk, I would have no one. I was offered a job on the Isle of Man. I almost backed out. But after deep thoughts and exploring what exactly that I want to achieve now, I made the decision to proceed. It was definitely not easy. I had my down moments but I have to remind myself why I made the decisions. I dont want life to return to normal, I dont want to go back and live with my parents, I dont want my independence to be taken away, I want to keep learning all this new things by myself. I could always consult my parents for their thoughts or as baseline, but in the end, it's my call. Isn't this my life after all?

5. 'Nomad' skill. I think the word travel is too commonly used, the idea of going places has become a bit too mainstream to my liking. I prefer the word nomad. You go, you stay, you live, you return. Most people travel for the sake of going, they missed the 'living' part. Anyways, I had never travelled this much, or being nomad this much. I love the idea that I am not tied to a place. I love that I could teach myself to feel comfortable no matter where. I love the fact that I am meeting so many people, I am learning new things every day. I don't exactly loose touch with my root as I do keep in touch with family and friends almost every day. I listen to their experience and compare that to mine. I love the fact that with this has build my character and my ideas about the world. 

Looking back, I am truly satisfied. I have had the time of my life. I am living the dream. I am only 25 and I feel like I have achieved a lot that my younger self would have been proud of myself. Almost goodbye 2014, hello 2015. To more crazy mad experiences, unseen places and life changing decisions. To a more fun filled and challenging life. 

I just find this current lifestyle a tad bit ridiculous. I am acopic.