"All this talking, this rather liquid confessing, was something I didn't think I could ever bring myself to do. It seemed foolhardy to me, like an uncooked egg deciding to come out of its shell: there would be a risk of spreading out too far, turning into a formless puddle.” ― Margaret Atwood
When I was young and just learned how to use the internet, there were a few things on the internet that got me stuck onto the computer for hours and Ayah had to warn and set up hour limits to my internet usage. I was clearly addicted to surfing the internet and what worried Ayah mainly were my worsening eyesight and the internet bill that he had to pay (a decade ago internet was not as cheap as today). Plus I was actually using his work laptop, so he had to kinda put aside his work in order to let me surf.
What I was really addicted to was these websites where I could go on to and explore my persona in a form of online personality quizzes. I would go on and on with the quizzes, but not all of them were really good ones, some were crappy quizzes but hey, I was only around 12 and I didn't know any better. Examples were 'Which colour defines you?' quiz, 'Which country resembles your personality?' quiz, 'Are Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen?' quiz et cetera, but the one that I would do over and over, on different websites was "Are you an introvert or extrovert?"
Ibu always complained about my quiet character but at school I believed I was not as quiet as she deduced I was, and what worst was aunts and uncles did agree with her. Many of the quizzes also affirmed Ibu's thought about my introvert-ness. In my defence, I did go play with the kids who live on the same street but most of the time I enjoyed my time reading books, mostly speak my thoughts through my diaries and rather not want to go to tuition classes because I rather be revising on my own and too much group discussions sucks. I guess that prolly worried her because I was not sharing my thoughts transparently with her e.g. how was school or did I have friends issues or study issues etc.
As of now, just a few days ago Fakhri and I had this conversation about introvert and there's nothing wrong about being one. I agreed with him about the overwhelming pressure to socialise publicly, get involved with activities and the isolation that introverts get for not mixing or by just wanting some time alone. At uni, working with the Britons, there is a great amount of stress about public speaking, group discussion, opening yourself up and go to pubs with group mates to socialise or else, you're devalued i.e not considered smart enough and at lost of future academic discussions just because you don't go for drink or discuss life publicly over drinks on Thursday nights. For me, this is not working because I need time to be given time to think for myself and I would prefer to go to calm coffee shop to share about myself and life.
Personally, I started feeling the pressure to change myself and speak up more as I enter secondary school and college. I stopped writing to myself (in diaries) and started going out with friends more often. And with the popularity of online social networking like friendster and Facebook, there was at one point an emphasis about how many friends you have and the livelier your life is. I didn't want to miss out (of course!), so pressure doubled up and I worked on the need to make more friends so that I wouldn't feel as if I was missing out on life. At that point I thought, popular and loud people seems to have more friends and they also seem to be at more advantages than quiet people.
Guess what? I actually feel more empty than ever. I had not done my introvert-born-self a justice. I just recently realised how I tired I was with the new self that I am trying to create, I always feel the internal battle between the two contrasting personas and this really really exhausts me. I miss just being with myself and read books for hours and, laugh and cry about the book by myself. And the peace of mind by just getting away from this wildness of super fast and unfiltered online social interactions is supercalming. I have stopped facebook/twitter/instagram notifications from popping on my iPhone screen and is training myself not to get too busybody with other people business by staking newsfeed. The world offer so much than I could handle and not all of the information is even worth knowing.
Let me get myself straight, I did not crave for popularity but I only wanted to blend in and have friends, not a thousand but at least to still get few invitations to dinner or shopping or outings or gossips sessions. Having a thousand friends is great and super exciting because not one person is the same. Every individual offers different story and this sparks up my creativity but not all are quality. Some 'friends' are only happy time friends, some just sucks up your energy, but some are always there thru your greatest fall and highest climb. And something about speaking up too much - words are like bullet and not everyone around you are bulletproof. Some words tend to get twisted and sometimes I did get too excited that I talked faster than my head can think - later people feel differently (negatively) about me.
Only recently I found my way back and kinda meet the two identities half way - speak up but softly. I am proud of who I am now and I more at agreement that there is nothing wrong about my introvert-ness. I don't need to prove myself to the world and I am more at peace - I am both sociable and private. And going back to the chat with Fakhri, Fathul overheard our conversation and showed us a video by Susan Cain, a famous introvert writer. She highlights on 3 things at the end of her talk:-
- Stop the group work madness
- Go to the wilderness (to explore the art of solitude and think)
- Occasionally, shares.
Link to Susan Cain's video: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
PS: I just did a introvert versus extrovert quiz. Result: ?Omnivert
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